just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
