Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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