Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
