dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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