So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
