I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
