i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
