So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
