I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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