Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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