I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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