I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
