Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
