There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
