That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
