I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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