Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
my shit smells like andre
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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