Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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