I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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