I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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