Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
