she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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