id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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