true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
