My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
