We're facebook friends in real life
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
