but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
