I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
