i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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