How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
