whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
