My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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