Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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