I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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