Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
