can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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