were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
