I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
