I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
