I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
