the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
