That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
