Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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