drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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