I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
