I accidentally had phone sex last night
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
