On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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