I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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