It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
