Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
