[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
