I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
